Recently its been feeling as if I've been driving in pilot mode. Simply existing and present in the flesh but not really here mentally. I've come to realise that it may just be the case of a heartbreak.
Dr. Hers Diagnosis is:
- feeling drained
- loss of appetite
- unable to feel internally happy
I think I just about got all of those things. See, I was seeing this guy for a year and I can tell you it feels as though I was in a 'situationship' with him for a lifetime. Constant back and forth with him but we got along very well when we were good. Completely Toxic!
I ended up growing this attachment to him as he did me, so instead of us sticking together out of love it was more like comfortability in normality. The feeling of each others absence after being apart of each others day, all day everyday, made it impossible to get used to. We decided a number of times that its best if we leave it alone while we're still friends but then Somebody will always say or do something to make it as though nothing was ever discussed which was very annoying by the way.
There was literally nothing but confusion and instability between us, only this forceful magnetic field drawing us back in together each time.
Anyway, what finally made me want to give up on our toxic cycle was the fact that I'd have to share him with his daughters mum who does not give him no air to breathe at all. She calls all the time and interrupts our moments together just to bother him and its really not ideal. I really am not the type of woman who'd ever feel comfortable to share my man so one day, really random I said to him "this is it, this is enough. Just delete my number and never call me again". I think he half thought I was joking but no. I was being more than serious.
The very next day after I told him that, he called me at 4am and asked "Do you want to come on a drive with me, I've got a long dive ahead and could do with some company" I was literally half asleep and so confused that I said to him "Did you forget the last thing I said to you?" I was Fuming that I'd been woken up but even more fuming at the fact that we've created this vicious cycle of ignoring the decisions of the other. Like, how can he completely ignore the fact that I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot do this with him no more. I was almost in tears when I told him to delete my number but if I would have cried, he probably would have thought it was 'my time of month' so I stayed strong for the sake of us ladies being taken serious. He responded by saying "which part? We spoke about a lot yesterday" classic male response acting all oblivious. I said to him "I told you I didn't want to speak to you anymore so what is all of this about? What are you actually playing at?" He said "Well then, if that's how you feel then block my number." THE CHEEK! Can you really believe the audacity of this man because I can't. I told him "Delete my number.. and never use it again! it's that simple."
Now I understand how I can made out to look like the villain, but if I didn't react in that manor then he would have never stopped. An addiction needs to be cut out completely. There is no cutting down and gradually stopping. No, it's all or nothing and I had my mind made up that I wanted no parts. What I deserve as the type of woman I am is to be loved with a mans whole heart. Not spoken down on or ignored when it comes down to my feelings being taken serious, or to be put on hold when the mother of his daughter feels like being annoying or she's bored with nothing else to say or do. There is no way that I'd ever want my daughter (if I had one) to ever feel like she came far down the list of priorities to a man. I would want her to know that she is more than special, more than worthy and should be held high up on a pedal stool. So why should I settle for less than I'd want for my unborn child? I shouldn't.
From one broken heart to another or simply a lost soul who has their fair share of relationship problems, please take the time to step outside of the bubble and assess the life that you're living and take a good look at it. Decide if it is truly what you want, if you are happy and smiling with your whole heart and love your significant other. Do they uplift you? Do they make you a better version of yourself? Could you repeat the same day a thousand and one times with them?
If the answer is No..
LET IT GO!
You are literally only hurting yourself and nobody else but yourself can steer your ship for you and make the changes that are necessary.
If the answer is Yes..
Then baby you bagged a good one and be sure to make sure that you water the flowers growing in your garden to keep everything fresh.
Either way you are amazing and you always have an ear to lean on here.