I just wanted a chance to share with you the things that I could not say to you before.
First off.. I love you
I always have and I always will
I didn’t show it before because I felt as though you didn’t deserve my love.
All those times I’ve spent wishing you were around. Helping me to grow, guiding me and taking me under your wing like fathers do.
I’ve realised that, those years I spent punishing you for your absence, were the years I should have never given up on you. Maybe, I should have kept trying. Maybe I should have listened to your true words at 5am when you’d call me drunk. All I ever heard was the abuse, but I should have listened to the emotion and what your heart truly desired.
I wish I wasn’t so militant with you and strict with the boundaries I’d never let you cross, because I should have realised that you are only human too. Nobody gets it right all of the time.
I wish we had more time spent together talking about conspiracies and faults of the world. Nature and what we’d do if the world ended as we knew it. At the time I didn’t know that my world without you in it was much more painful when it actually became true.
I should have never took you for granted.
The only man that could be halfway across The world but will still find a way to come to my rescue. Somehow, some way, you’d be there for me.
I wish I got to see life through your eyes and feel what your pain was like as you grew up and as life threw hurdles at you. I wish I was the cousin who calls you her second Dad.
I just wish I didn’t wait so long to forgive you for all the wrong you’ve done over the years and didn’t wait so long finally admit to myself that I NEED YOU!
.. I always will
But what I truly wish for is that you got to make the phone call that I was anxiously waiting for. I wish your last moment towards me in life wasn’t more time spent waiting on you to show up and you not turning up.
But I love you Papa. I believed in you Papa. I still grieve for you Papa.
and one day..
I’m going to win for you Papa
RIP Curtis B.